Man that happened fast!
As I reflect on the journey of becoming and then being Claire's mom it fills my eyes with tears and my heart with gladness. It was such a difficult journey in the beginning. Fraught with so many "we don't knows" and "we'll have to wait and sees". For someone who thrives on control and planning I felt so lost and fearful. I didn't want to just "wait and see"! I wanted to know that my baby would be alright. That my husband and I would be able to care for whatever her needs would be.
And while I struggled with accepting that I don't actually have control over things, I learned to lean into God. I learned that I don't have all of the answers nor all of the abilities to do what needs to be done. But He does. I started to trust that He had gone before us and prepared the way. That whatever it looked like, He would provide us the tools to make it through.
It was so. stinkin. hard.
I cried a lot. I texted my bestie a lot. I prayed a lot. I poured over scripture on trust, hope, having no fear a lot. I got encouragement from friends and family a lot.
In the brokenness, there was beauty.
And then she was born. And my heart grew a million times over.
Her big brown eyes. Her chubby cheeks. Her full head of hair.
On our first evening in the hospital, when the visitors had gone and Dane and I were enjoying some alone time with our new baby I began to worry about what the MRI would reveal about her. I told Dane I was scared. That I was nervous to let them take her the next day and bring us those final results. What if they confirmed everything we thought already? What would that mean for her? For us?
And Dane looked at me and said, "Mallory...she's perfect."
I was working myself up into so much worry. Worry over something I had no control over. And for what? Because he was right. She was perfect. No matter what that test confirmed.
If you're reading this, I'll assume you know what those results were. They did indeed confirm the diagnosis they suspected (Agenesis of the Corpus Callosum). It also confirmed that there were no other brain abnormalities.
So again...we just had to wait and see how she would develop.
But finally, it didn't matter to me. Who cares if she doesn't sit up at 6 months? Who cares if she doesn't crawl at 9 months? Because she was healthy. She was here. She was my little girl.
So we settled in to "wait and see." And she started meeting her milestones. She kept proving that she was fine. At six months her neurologist told us she was "perfectly normal."
Now she's one. And she's walking like a pro. She's saying a few words. She's smiling and laughing. She rarely gets crabby. She loves her blankey and thinks her big brother is the funniest thing ever. She is sensitive and so sassy. She'll eat pretty much anything. She's finally got the sleep thing down (mostly). She is cautiously curious. Her smiles are just the best and reach from ear to ear. She claps, waves, points and high fives. She plays peek a boo.
Being Claire's mom is a reminder to me of the peace that is found when you place your trust in God. When you turn over the worry to Him. When you admit that you aren't in control and that He will provide you with exactly what you need.
We don't know what the future holds for her. Claire may end up having some delays later on. She may have trouble with socialization, especially in the middle school years as it becomes more nuanced (but who doesn't, am I right?). Or, it could continue to never be an issue.
But in the end it doesn't really matter. Because what I do know is this: she's perfect...and Dane and I are perfectly prepared to be her parents.
Happiest of birthdays to Claire Irene...our daily reminder of God's "clear, bright peace." You are so very loved.
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