When my mom was first diagnosed with cancer she began a prayer journal. She initially titled this journal "Trials of Cancer." At some point, maybe when the cancer had returned and the prognosis was certainly more grim, she crossed out the word "Trials" and replaced it with the word "Opportunities." This journal is a gift that her loved ones have now. It is a window into the heart of a woman who loved the Lord and her family with such fierceness and wanted to use her trials as opportunities to share that love with them and others. What a legacy she left.
I haven't written anything in a while, really because I don't know what I would have said. Dane and I also feel strongly that we don't anyone's pity and we certainly don't want judgement being passed on our daughter now or after she is born. But I think I'm at a point where I can put some of this out there, hope for more prayers and possibly encourage someone who needs encouragement...
This pregnancy has been a trial. From the very beginning I struggled with intense fears that something would go wrong and I would lose this baby. I prayed for peace and shared with some close friends my worries so that they could be praying too.
At our 20 week ultrasound, I was nervous but excited to finally be able to hear the words "everything looks perfect" and therefore receive the peace I had so been desiring.
Unfortunately, that wasn't the case.
Our doctor told us that she looked healthy, but that there was some small concern about one of the ventricles in her brain. It appeared to be measuring mildly larger than it should be and it was something we would need to look at again in 4 weeks.
In 4 weeks we had another ultrasound, and the issue was still present. We were sent to Mercy Hospital (formally St. John's) to meet with a fetal care team and have a level II ultrasound. This ultrasound revealed that the lateral (rear) ventricles were both mildly enlarged and additionally, the doctor could not locate the baby's corpus callosum (a structure in the brain that connects the left and right side, providing communication between the two). Because of these findings, we were encouraged to do an amniocentesis to determine if there were any other contributing factors (like a chromosomal abnormality or an infection).
The results from the anmio were great. There were no other contributing factors found. This was such encouraging news!
But there was still plenty to worry about. What if the ventricles grew larger? What if they don't find the corpus callosum? What will that mean for our baby and her neurological development? Are there other abnormalities of her brain that they haven't been able to detect yet?
On March 4th we had another ultrasound (we will have ultrasounds with our fetal care team every 3 weeks or so for the remainder of the pregnancy).
I was sick with worry. I feared the worst. So, I prayed. Mostly, I prayed that God would lift the fear from me and help me to rest in His plan for us and our little girl.
The appointment was so good. Our nurse is so great and encouraging. The ultrasound tech was so sweet. The doctor (who we found out has literally written the book on sonography!) was funny and put us at ease.
And guess what? There has been no change in the ventricles. There are no other abnormalities that they can see. And, he was even able to detect at least a portion of the corpus callosum...so it's at least partially there! He stressed that it is very hard to locate a corpus callosum on an ultrasound and that this was all very mild. Praise the Lord!
Moving forward we will meet with pediatric neurologists who will be able to share with us what we can possibly expect once she is born. They will also work with her after she is born as she grows and develops. This could all mean very little for her. She could be absolutely perfectly fine. Or she could have some mild developmental delays. We'll find out more about how all of this could affect her after we meet with the doctors.
And that's where we're at.
Still a lot that we don't know and can't know until she is born. But, so far there has been a lot of encouraging news.
However, I think it's fair to say that this pregnancy has been (and will continue to be) a trial. But, there have been so many opportunities as well.
Dane and I have had the opportunity to learn how to humble ourselves and ask others for prayer. We have had the opportunity to work on understanding what it means to trust in the Lord and His plan. I have had the opportunity to start letting go of worry and fear and find the peace that this can bring. Friends and family have had the opportunity to pour love and faith into us, daily encouraging us through uplifting texts, phone calls, prayers, and Bible verses. The knowledge that so many people are praying for and loving our daughter already has been overwhelming. The opportunity to use our community of believers has been great.
We are so excited to meet our daughter in just a few short months. She is weighing a healthy (above average) 3lbs already and is so freaking active. It's been great to be able to see her monthly on the ultrasound pics and kind of crazy to already have a vague idea of what she will look like. We can't wait to share with you all her name and the beautiful story of how God used it to speak to me and bring me peace.
So, if you're the praying type, please add our little girl to your prayers. If you're the hoping type, then hope.
In a few months we will be holding our perfect little girl and all of this worry and stress will seem a bit silly probably. But, this trial has been full of opportunities for growth in our walk with Christ, in our marriage, in our parenting, in our friendships and other relationships. We have been constantly reminded that even in the face of hardships, God is so good.
A student said to me in a session last week, "you know, hard is hard...but hard doesn't have to be bad."
She really spoke to my heart when she said that. I love it when God uses unlikely people to deliver a message ;)
For now we rest in the knowledge that He is continuing to knit our little girl together and that she will be just as He planned her to be....perfect.
