I have this journal that I've been working through (when I remember). Each day has a new prompt and the goal is to spend about 5 minutes responding to that prompt. This morning I had a few moments at work before the busyness of the day began and I decided to open the journal. The prompt this morning read:
"If you wrote a letter to your 12 year old self, what would you say to her?" At first I balked at this. What would I tell my pre-teen self? That middle school sucks, but it's not forever? That one day those braces will come off and you'll be glad you had them? That you will actually decide to do cross country in high school and surprisingly be pretty ok at it?
And then all of a sudden, I knew what I would say to my 12 year old self. I started writing and it just came pouring out. I wanted to save it here so it's easy to come back to if needed.
This is what I wrote:
Dear 12 Year Old Self,
In just a few short years your life will change permanently.
It will start with a lump in the spring of your freshman year and end just before Christmas of your senior year.
But really, it will just be begining. This life as a motherless daughter.
So I want to tell you, dear 12 year old self, to savor it. Your mom is not perfect-no one is-but she is perfect for you. Forgive her. Be patient with her. Stuff the sassy-ness back in to your mouth. Remind yourself that she loves you with all of her being. She is so proud to be your mom.
Listen to her. Study her face. Memorize her laugh and the sound of her voice. Bottle up her faith, her love, her strength--you will need these in the years to come.
12 year old self, stop worrying about your body and boys and acceptance. You are lovely and wise and stronger than you even know. Don't scoff...it's true.
Things will be hard. Life will get real. Your faith will flounder and your peers won't understand your pain. You will feel alone. You will cry and scream and yell.
You will want to fix the anger and sadness you see in the faces of your brothers. You will ache for your dad to feel whole again. 12 year old self, you cannot fix this for them. They will have their own paths, just like you will have yours. All that you need to do is be there. Love them. Cry with them. Laugh with them. Remember her with them. You don't have to fix everything or everyone. If you can remember this, things will be just a tiny bit easier for you.
Surprisingly, shockingly, time won't stop. Life will go on. The sun will continue to rise and you will continue to get out of bed, even when it seems like you can't. You can. You will. I promise.
You will lean into your faith. You will grow your heart for others even deeper than before. You will carry your mom with you everyday. She will be a memory, but she will also be alive in you. Your kids will know her through the stories you tell. They will love her. It sounds crazy, but it's true. She won't be a physical presence in their lives, but they will know her. They will talk about her. They will surprise you with their eagerness to learn about her.
You will marry a man that you love. You will find a career that you are passionate about. You will laugh, 12 year old self. You will! Really! It won't be all bad...in fact, it will be mostly good.
I won't lie, you will always miss her. The reality that she is gone will never stop hurting. But you are strong. You are brave. You are her daughter.
And you will survive.
Sincerely,
Your 32 year old self
