Dear 12 Year Old Self...

I have this journal that I've been working through (when I remember). Each day has a new prompt and the goal is to spend about 5 minutes responding to that prompt. This morning I had a few moments at work before the busyness of the day began and I decided to open the journal. The prompt this morning read:
"If you wrote a letter to your 12 year old self, what would you say to her?" At first I balked at this. What would I tell my pre-teen self? That middle school sucks, but it's not forever? That one day those braces will come off and you'll be glad you had them? That you will actually decide to do cross country in high school and surprisingly be pretty ok at it?
And then all of a sudden, I knew what I would say to my 12 year old self. I started writing and it just came pouring out. I wanted to save it here so it's easy to come back to if needed.

This is what I wrote:

Dear 12 Year Old Self,

In just a few short years your life will change permanently. 
It will start with a lump in the spring of your freshman year and end just before Christmas of your senior year. 

But really, it will just be begining. This life as a motherless daughter. 

So I want to tell you, dear 12 year old self, to savor it. Your mom is not perfect-no one is-but she is perfect for you. Forgive her. Be patient with her. Stuff the sassy-ness back in to your mouth. Remind yourself that she loves you with all of her being. She is so proud to be your mom. 

Listen to her. Study her face. Memorize her laugh and the sound of her voice. Bottle up her faith, her love, her strength--you will need these in the years to come. 

12 year old self, stop worrying about your body and boys and acceptance. You are lovely and wise and stronger than you even know. Don't scoff...it's true.

Things will be hard. Life will get real. Your faith will flounder and your peers won't understand your pain. You will feel alone. You will cry and scream and yell. 

You will want to fix the anger and sadness you see in the faces of your brothers. You will ache for your dad to feel whole again. 12 year old self, you cannot fix this for them. They will have their own paths, just like you will have yours. All that you need to do is be there. Love them. Cry with them. Laugh with them. Remember her with them. You don't have to fix everything or everyone. If you can remember this, things will be just a tiny bit easier for you. 

Surprisingly, shockingly, time won't stop. Life will go on. The sun will continue to rise and you will continue to get out of bed, even when it seems like you can't. You can. You will. I promise. 

You will lean into your faith. You will grow your heart for others even deeper than before. You will carry your mom with you everyday. She will be a memory, but she will also be alive in you. Your kids will know her through the stories you tell. They will love her. It sounds crazy, but it's true. She won't be a physical presence in their lives, but they will know her. They will talk about her. They will surprise you with their eagerness to learn about her. 

You will marry a man that you love. You will find a career that you are passionate about. You will laugh, 12 year old self. You will! Really! It won't be all bad...in fact, it will be mostly good. 

I won't lie, you will always miss her. The reality that she is gone will never stop hurting. But you are strong. You are brave. You are her daughter. 

And you will survive. 

Sincerely, 
Your 32 year old self

1 Year

My baby girl is now a toddler. She is one.
Man that happened fast!

As I reflect on the journey of becoming and then being Claire's mom it fills my eyes with tears and my heart with gladness. It was such a difficult journey in the beginning. Fraught with so many "we don't knows" and "we'll have to wait and sees". For someone who thrives on control and planning I felt so lost and fearful. I didn't want to just "wait and see"! I wanted to know that my baby would be alright. That my husband and I would be able to care for whatever her needs would be.
And while I struggled with accepting that I don't actually have control over things, I learned to lean into God. I learned that I don't have all of the answers nor all of the abilities to do what needs to be done. But He does. I started to trust that He had gone before us and prepared the way. That whatever it looked like, He would provide us the tools to make it through.
It was so. stinkin. hard.
I cried a lot. I texted my bestie a lot. I prayed a lot. I poured over scripture on trust, hope, having no fear a lot. I got encouragement from friends and family a lot.
In the brokenness, there was beauty.

And then she was born. And my heart grew a million times over.

Her big brown eyes. Her chubby cheeks. Her full head of hair.

On our first evening in the hospital, when the visitors had gone and Dane and I were enjoying some alone time with our new baby I began to worry about what the MRI would reveal about her. I told Dane I was scared. That I was nervous to let them take her the next day and bring us those final results. What if they confirmed everything we thought already? What would that mean for her? For us?
And Dane looked at me and said, "Mallory...she's perfect."
I was working myself up into so much worry. Worry over something I had no control over. And for what? Because he was right. She was perfect. No matter what that test confirmed.

If you're reading this, I'll assume you know what those results were. They did indeed confirm the diagnosis they suspected (Agenesis of the Corpus Callosum). It also confirmed that there were no other  brain abnormalities.
So again...we just had to wait and see how she would develop.

But finally, it didn't matter to me. Who cares if she doesn't sit up at 6 months? Who cares if she doesn't crawl at 9 months? Because she was healthy. She was here. She was my little girl.

So we settled in to "wait and see." And she started meeting her milestones. She kept proving that she was fine. At six months her neurologist told us she was "perfectly normal."

Now she's one. And she's walking like a pro. She's saying a few words. She's smiling and laughing. She rarely gets crabby. She loves her blankey and thinks her big brother is the funniest thing ever. She is sensitive and so sassy. She'll eat pretty much anything. She's finally got the sleep thing down (mostly). She is cautiously curious. Her smiles are just the best and reach from ear to ear. She claps, waves, points and high fives. She plays peek a boo.

Being Claire's mom is a reminder to me of the peace that is found when you place your trust in God. When you turn over the worry to Him. When you admit that you aren't in control and that He will provide you with exactly what you need.

We don't know what the future holds for her. Claire may end up having some delays later on. She may have trouble with socialization, especially in the middle school years as it becomes more nuanced (but who doesn't, am I right?). Or, it could continue to never be an issue.
But in the end it doesn't really matter. Because what I do know is this: she's perfect...and Dane and I are perfectly prepared to be her parents.

Happiest of birthdays to Claire Irene...our daily reminder of God's "clear, bright peace." You are so very loved.

Months 10 & 11

So I've slacked on a couple of months. Things have been busy around our house as we've worked to get it ready to list again. Let me tell you...it's not easy living in a house with two little kids while making it look like your house is not being lived in. Sheesh.

Claire is still super sweet and she's getting a bit sassy too. She gets very upset if the food is gone before she's ready to be done. She'll yell at you until she gets more food. It's actually pretty funny.
I think she's going to be a sensitive one (like her mama). If she's told no or has something taken away from her, the lower lip juts out and her big eyes fill up with tears. We may have to be careful about how we discipline her as she gets older. If I learned anything growing up with my brothers it's that every child is different and that you can't always do a one size fits all approach to discipline.

She still finds Reed hilarious. Just yesterday he was doing something that was making her crack up. Dane turned to me and said, "if I could make her laugh like that, I would never stop." It's super sweet. There are certainly times when Reed would rather not have Claire around crushing his Legos or trying to take the iPad away from him, but he also gushes over her and tells her how cute she is and thanks me for giving him a little sister. Ah, the love ;)

Claire has four teeth on top now and two on bottom.
She has had two ear infections.
She is standing  unassisted now and I anticipate those first wobbly steps to happen in the next month or two.
She LOVES her blankey (a gift, made by her Aunt Devan).
Everyone comments on how much hair she has and how heavy she is.
She says "mama" mostly. Every now and then she'll say "baba" which pretty much refers to anything she can put in her mouth (bottle, paci, food). She'll say "dada" occasionally. Once we got her to say "Reedy" which actually sounded more like "DeDe" so now Reed says that's what she calls him.
Her big eyes and sweet smile are still melting hearts everywhere.

Reed is at a really fun age. He's super silly and kind hearted. He still loves lawn equipment and rescue vehicles and Legos. He attended LegoKidsfest with Papa in March and had a blast. His favorite scientist is Albert Einstein because he liked to ask the question "why?" (but mostly because it's the only one he knows and we have a kids book about him). He wants to be a lawn service/fire fighter/smoke jumper/engineer/rocket scientist when he grows up. Totally doable. His favorite movie is Planes Fire and Rescue and his favorite song is the theme song sung by Brad Paisley. He's just the best four year old around.

At LegoKidsfest

He and Dane took their first fly fishing trip down to Montauk State Park last weekend. While the verdict is still out on Reed's love for fishing, he does love being outside and exploring so it was a success. When I asked him what the best part of the day was he said, "getting to spend it with Daddy." Melt my heart.

Fishing Trip with Dad

10 Months

11 Months

 Just being sweet :)

Fourth opening day with Papa. Such a great tradition. 

Hopefully next time I'll be telling you guys all about how our house sold fast. Trusting in God's plan. 

9 Months

Or alternately titled: How is my baby already almost one?!?!
Or: Claire is packing up for college...

Claire is almost 23 pounds and is 28.5 inches. This puts her in the 90% for weight and the 80% for height.
She is crawling like a pro now and pulling herself up to standing and cruising along furniture. She wants so badly to be able to stand unassisted and often tries to let go of whatever is supporting her. The longest she's been able to do that is about 7 seconds.
She had her first cold and is just now getting over it. Turns out she also had a double ear infection the doctor found at her 9 month appointment. Girl was down right pleasant for having a double ear infection! So, we're treating that now and she's getting back to her old self.
We met with the sleep specialist too and she gave us a great plan to put into place to get Claire sleeping through the night. And wouldn't you know it...ever since we met with the dr. Claire has been waking only once. And this waking has been happening later and later. Stinker.

In March, Claire will have her first nights away from mom and dad. Dane and I will head down to the Lake of the Ozarks for my annual social work conference and Reed and Claire will have their vacation at Papa and Pat's. I'm sure she'll do just fine, but it's always a little bittersweet when leaving your baby for their first few days away from you.
For Valentine's Day, Dane and I got Reed tickets to go to Lego KidsFest when it comes to St. Louis in March. Unfortunately it falls on the dates that we'll be out of town, so he gets to go with Papa. He loves creating things with Lego's so I'm sure he'll have an absolute blast. I'm excited to hear all about it.

The cold winter days are keeping us in doors lately, so there's not much to say other than we're surviving and looking forward to spring.

Until next time :)

Enough About the Kids...It's My Milestone!

I realize that most of my readers enjoy this blog because I talk about my ridiculously cute and intelligent kids and post wonderful pictures of them. So, if that's what you value then this post isn't for you, because I'm talking about my own milestone.

Through so much hard work of my own, I am turning 30!

It's true. On February 1, 2015 at 8:48 am I will be 30 years old. And so, this has caused me to reflect on my 20's and become all sappy about what my 30's will  bring and think about my mom who was in her 30's when she was diagnosed with cancer. And it has kind of frustrated me. I love birthdays (mostly my kid's and loved ones) and my rational mind realizes that it's just another year. There is nothing magical about 30 that will bring about great fortune or ridiculous ruin to my family. But, nonetheless, emotionally 30 is proving to be a bit difficult for me.

Let's start with reflection...
In my 20's I:
got married, graduated from college, got my master's degree, and became a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (first in MO and then a few years later in IL).
Participated in the Susan G. Komen 3 Day walk in FL.
Bought my first house and 9 months later, became a mom.
Held 3 jobs within my chosen field.
Bought a car.
Became an aunt...3 times!
Drove to PA with some of my family to bury my Gma next to her parents.
Had my second child.

I'm sure there's stuff I'm forgetting. 10 years is a lot to remember. But really, my 20's weren't all that bad. Sure, there were some really tough seasons to walk through (unexpectedly losing my Gma and my pregnancy with Claire to name a couple), but God is good and He provided what we needed to sustain us.

I grew up in my 20's. Maybe most people do. Getting married and having kids tends to do that to a person I assume. But more than growing up as a person, I think I grew up in my faith. I entered my 20's with some strict parameters on faith and what it looks like. And (in large part to my college years at GC) as I leave my 20's I can safely say that I can boil my faith down to this: love God, and in doing so, love others.
For me, faith is about love. It's not complicated, it's not judgmental, it doesn't force thoughts and beliefs on others. It is tolerant and forgiving and loving.
I recently read a book by Glennon Doyle Melton. In this book she says:
Be confident because you are a child of God. 
Be humble, because everyone else is too. 
I love that. It definitely challenged me to reevaluate how I love the people that frustrate me most. Those people who I find it hardest to love (we all have them). I have to remind myself that it doesn't matter how they make me feel, or that I don't understand their actions because God loves them...so I do too. I want to be an agent of love through my faith.
And guess what guys? When you focus on loving others, life gets easier. It becomes easier to forgive. It becomes easier to have quality relationships. You're happier because you're not spending time judging others or holding actions against people. No, you won't be perfect and some will make it much more difficult than others. But I promise, it's worth it to at least give it a try.
So, in my 30's I will say this: Because I love God, I will love others.
And I pray that my kids will see that in me and desire do to the same.

I mentioned earlier that as I approach 30, I've been thinking about how young my mom really was when she got sick. I was in high school and can remember hearing other people commenting on how young she was. At the time I didn't really think about it. She was my mom after all...she wasn't young. I mean she wasn't old, but definitely not young. But now? Now, I am less than a decade away from the age she was when she was first diagnosed. And guess what guys...I'm not old. Really. I'm not. 30 is the new 20 after all.
Some of you reading this know that when I turned 28 I had to start having mammograms every 6 months. My mom was 38 when first diagnosed and because I am high risk, the rule of thumb is that I needed to begin doing this when I was ten years younger than when she was diagnosed. So, 28 was my magic number.
The first couple of times were no big deal. I mean, it's uncomfortable, but I wasn't really too worried about anything. Then, July happened. I went in and they did the mammogram. Shortly after, someone came out and took me to an ultrasound room. As they did the ultrasound I kept thinking "they've never been this thorough before..." After the ultrasound they determined that I needed to go ahead and do another mammogram (lucky me!). I finally asked the doctor what they were looking for/at and she explained that they had found something in my right breast. Gulp.
Claire was with me because I needed to nurse before having the mammogram(s). So, the doctor left me in this ultrasound room to nurse Claire again before the next one. I was alone otherwise and as I looked at Claire, I cried. I wasn't crying because I might have cancer...the tears were for her. They were for Reed and Dane. If I did have cancer...what would it do to them? I couldn't leave them. I couldn't put them through this.
And it hit me just how scared my mom...who was young...must have been for us.
(luckily my "something" was determined to be a cyst often found in nursing moms).
And so now, I ridiculously become an emotional mess the week prior to the mammograms. It kinda sucks. I don't think I was expecting to have to confront my mom's death in different ways as I got older. I foolishly believed that I had accepted it and could just live my life in peace. I know that some of this is because I'm a woman and a mom just like her. I can empathize with how she felt because it's exactly how I would feel. I get that unique look into my mom's head and heart. It's painful, but it's also good. It's a connection. And for those of us who have lost a parent (or other loved one)...connections are good, even if they're painful.

So, I'm turning 30. And I will enter my 30's with thanksgiving, with love, and with a stronger connection to my mom even though she's not here to celebrate with me. My 30's will be great. They will be tough and scary and wonderful and filled with love.
Here's to 30. The good, the bad, and everything in between.

7 Months

Now that Claire is a week away from being 8 months old (seriously?!?!) it seems to be the perfect time to write her 7 month blog. In my defense, 7 months fell just after Reed's 4th  birthday and just before Christmas. It kind of got lost in the hustle and bustle of December. I believe you all will forgive me.
Here are some bullet points:

• first Christmas went well
• she's super close to crawling. seriously...any day now. 
• she's eating more solids 
• she's "talking" a bunch more
• she's still got the best smile and thighs that won't quite
• she's still super cute and I doubt that this will be changing. 

And she's lucky she's so cute...because she has forgotten how to sleep through the night. The problems started when she was about 6 months old. At first we attributed it to teething. And maybe that's what started it (she has 2 teeth), but now, she won't go back to sleeping for a stretch longer than 4 hours. It's rough.
I reached out to some friends for advice/prayer and one of them who struggled with sleep issues with her own son suggested that we meet with a sleep specialist. They did and within two weeks their son was sleeping 10 hours in a row at night. At this point I can't even imagine....
She gave us the information of the one they met with and you better believe that I called the next day and set up an appointment. I don't mess around with sleep, y'all.
The bad part is that the appointment isn't until mid-February. So, unless Claire miraculously remembers how awesome it is to sleep through the night, we're looking at at least another month of this.
Praise the Lord for coffee.

(pics are in reverse order..newest to oldest..refer above to my lack of sleep, resulting in little energy, making tasks like reorganizing these pics of little importance)

 Group pic as we said "see ya later and good luck" to Tyler who left for LA today. 

 Standing up is one of her favorites right now. 

 Squishy face. 

 Tea party on Christmas morning. 

 Christmas Eve. 

 It's all fun and games until your brother unbuckles you when mom isn't looking and you fall down between the seat and the steering wheel screaming and when your mom asks your brother why he did that he replies "because I wanted to have an adventure." Mission accomplished then. 

7 months. 

Reed is FOUR!!!

Yesterday Reed turned 4 years old. Gone is the baby and in place is a little boy. Bittersweet for sure. I'm so glad that he's growing up and that he's becoming independent and his own little person. And at the same time it's hard to accept that soon he won't want to kiss me goodbye or need me to lay in bed with him before he goes to sleep.

He had a great birthday. When he woke, we sang happy birthday to him and he got to open two presents. The first was his birthday outfit and the second was a gift that had arrived in the mail a couple of days earlier from Oma and Opa. He'd been itching to open it since it arrived and was so excited when he did. He is really into a show on Netlflix called Rescue Bots (it's a Transformer's show) and Oma and Opa had sent him Transformers! He played with them  until it was time to leave and then brought them along for his show and tell item at preschool.

At preschool he was given a birthday crown to wear and brought cupcakes to share with his friends. He and I went out for birthday lunch (he picked DQ) and then his babysitter took him to the gym to play around for the rest of the afternoon.

At home he opened the rest of his gifts and was most excited about his new string trimmer and lawn service shirt (which he promptly put on and then requested to sleep in as well). He picked mini meatloaves and mashed potatoes for his birthday dinner and blew out his 4 candles on a Hostess cupcake. And all evening he kept telling me and Dane, "Thank you for thinking of me mama and daddy. That was so kind." He has such a sweet heart.

On Saturday we will have family over for his birthday party. I will try my hand at making cupcakes and icing from scratch. So I apologize in advance to anyone who has to eat them ;) He requested baseball cupcakes and lawnmower cupcakes. I'm confident I can pull this off. Talk to me on Friday night and that story might have changed.

Some pics:

 Excited about his Transformers. Can you tell? 

 Showing his sister how the string trimmer works. 

She's gotta know this stuff if she's gonna be his assistant like he plans. 

 Birthday lunch. 

Love this pic of him. Captures a lot of his personality. 

 Stud. 

Good looking group. My friend Danielle did a great job on our family pics this year. 

Dane and I continue to be blessed as Reed's parents. He challenges us and brings us much joy. His preschool teachers tell me how kind he is. He is so proud of his Claire Irene. He is full of life and curiosity about the world around him. He amazes me with his memory and his thoughtfulness (just the other day he gave his only quarter to a bell ringer without any prompting from me). I thank God that I'm his mom and look forward to seeing how he will use his gifts to bring glory to the Father. 

Happy 4th Birthday Speedy Reedy!!!